and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
