the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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