I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
