Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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