I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
