Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
