Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
