tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
3pm strippers are depressing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
