Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
