I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
