right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
