I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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