Soap is not a condiment
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
