I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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