I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
