my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
