I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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