The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
