The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
