if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
