This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
