You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
