Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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