Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
