you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
