We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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