you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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