Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
cat food counts as protein by the way
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
