ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
nutella sex= disaster
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
