1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
