Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
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I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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