Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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