I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
