he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize