Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
