Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
