Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
