I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
