i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
