Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize