I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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