i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
