so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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