smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
