If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my shit smells like andre
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
