I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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