if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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