I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
