I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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