I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
