How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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