I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
