She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
