Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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