Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
